Being in a relationship is not easy. It requires effort and devotion to keep that romantic flare and interest there. Sometimes we get lazy and take it for granted. We stop making that extra effort to please our partners and the relationship becomes hollow. It turns into what is known as companionship love, where two people are together just for the company and they become more like friends. Most people see this companionship love as a natural progression in a long term relationship, but a review of existing research suggests that this depletion of romance in a relationship can make people unhappy and dissatisfied with their relationship and themselves in general.

According to lead researcher, Bianca P. Acevedo, PhD at the University of California, there are three different types of love that people can experience when in a relationship.  The first is passionate or obsessive love which is intense, has sexual chemistry and is somewhat excessive or obsessive.  It includes feelings of uncertainty or anxiety. On the opposite end of the scale is companionate love.  This is where the two lovers are more like friends, in that they talk to one another but don’t engage in sexual encounters and the relationship lacks passion.  The most ideal type of love that we all aim for in a relationship is romantic love. This is in between passionate and companionate love.  It has the intensity, engagement and sexual chemistry, unlike companionate love but is not obsessive like passionate love.

The paper that compared passionate love with romantic love was run by Acevedo and co-researcher Arthur Aron, PhD, and was published in the March issue of Review of General Psychology.  The paper reviewed 25 studies with 6,070 individuals in short- and long-term relationships to find out whether romantic love is associated with more satisfaction. To determine this, they classified the relationships in each of the studies as romantic, passionate (romantic with obsession) or friendship-like love and categorized them as long- or short-term.

The researchers looked at 17 short-term relationship studies, which included 18- to 23-year-old college students who were single, dating or married, with the average relationship lasting less than four years. They also looked at 10 long-term relationship studies comprising middle-aged couples who were typically married 10 years or more. Two of the studies included both long- and short-term relationships in which it was possible to distinguish the two samples.

The review found that those who reported greater romantic love were more satisfied in both the short- and long-term relationships. Companion-like love was only moderately associated with satisfaction in both short- and long-term relationships. And those who reported greater passionate love in their relationships were more satisfied in the short term compared to the long term. Therefore, passionate love was found to drive the shorter relationships but not the longer ones.

Couples who reported more satisfaction in their relationships also reported being happier and having higher self-esteem, suggesting that the relationships we involve ourselves in can affect our own mood and self esteem. This places an importance on finding someone who you can develop a healthy and romantic relationship with.  But how do you know when you’ve found this?

According to Acevedo, feeling that a partner is “there for you” makes for a good relationship,  and can spark feelings of romantic love. On the other hand, “feelings of insecurity are generally associated with lower satisfaction, and in some cases may spark conflict in the relationship. This can manifest into obsessive love,” she said.

These findings may change people’s expectations of what they want in long-term relationships. Instead of expecting that a relationship will progress to a companionate type love, and then accepting it when it does happen, couples should be aware that the loss of romance in a relationship does not have to happen and that it is beneficial to both your wellbeing to keep that spark within the relationship.  Just like all things in this world that are good for us, it requires effort and devotion to keep the romance within a relationship. 

So if you are having trouble within a relationship, don’t give up.  Romantic love is an attainable goal. You just need to be dedicated to making it work. But how you do that is up to you.

Journal reference:

  1. Bianca P. Acevedo and Arthur Aron. Does a long-term relationship kill romantic love? Review of General Psychology, 2009; 13 (1): 59

Like this post? Subscribe to my RSS feed and get loads more!